Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
