I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
