you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
