Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
