Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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