just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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