I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
