then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
