i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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