Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize