Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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