Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
