she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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