I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
