just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
