take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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