my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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