you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
