I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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