don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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