It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize