I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize