I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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