On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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