The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize