he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
