it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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