I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize