haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
