It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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