i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize