the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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