morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
