I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
