i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
