I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
