talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize