just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
