just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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