I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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