The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
