Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
