I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
