I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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