Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize