he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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