i don't like sucking hair
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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