i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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