i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
