I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
