We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
