Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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