I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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