hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
