Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
