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I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Less talking, more tequila
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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