I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
