wrigley field is MILF paradise
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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