Betty ford says i'm here all night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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