You just made me feel so damn special
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
