I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
