My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
