She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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