The maid of honor just puked.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
